On June 4th I had my first video chat with my 86-year-old Mom. She spoke with me while seated in her Broda chair with the assistant director of nursing by her side holding the video device. Even though she was tired, we talked for about 30 minutes. This chat may seem ordinary to you, but to me it was nearly a miracle. Mom and I had not spoken since March 11th, not for 85 days. It was 85 days of hope.
As the middle child of seven kids, I was used to fighting to be heard. This time, I fought long and hard to have this precious 30 minutes with Mom. I started this fight to talk with my Mom on April 11th when I made three phone calls to speak with her at the nursing home where she resides. Each time I was told she was either sleeping or someone else was using the mobile phone. I was told to call back later.
On April 25th I tried calling again. This time I was told that speaking to residents via the mobile phone was no longer allowed due to the potential spread of the COVID-19 virus within the facility. The staff member comforted me though with the promise of a video chat that following week. Patiently, I waited for the call but with each passing day I became more anxious without any word. Through news reports, I heard there were 15 positive test results among residents and staff and two deaths at Mom’s small long term care facility of only about 34 residents. I prayed and I had hope I would get to talk with Mom soon.
On May 5th I had a large bouquet of flowers delivered to my Mom for Mother’s Day along with a card. I wanted Mom to know that I had not forgotten her. The day after Mother’s Day I emailed the center’s staff asking if they would please send a photo of Mom with the flowers I sent. I wanted to be sure she received them. Two days later, I received an email reply saying they needed written permission from Mom’s power of attorney (POA) for me to have a photograph. I asked if they could get that permission for me since I lived 825 miles away. She did not respond to my request. By now, there were 22 residents and staff with positive test results and three deaths at Mom’s facility. Mom’s tests had come back negative, which was a relief. I kept praying.
On May 15th one of my sisters briefly visited the center and called to have a window visit with Mom. She was wheeled into position but she seemed upset and she made no eye contact with my sister. Mom’s appearance was disheveled and she appeared to have lost weight. Now, I was upset and even more anxious. Now was not the time to lose hope.
That same day, May 15th, I emailed Mom’s POA asking for their written permission to communicate with Mom via video and to have a photo of Mom with her flowers. I did not receive a reply.
I knew from prior research that Mom and other residents had access and visitation rights through the Nursing Home Reform Act of 1987. She didn’t need a POA’s written permission to speak with her children but no one asked her so the fight began along with more prayers.
- I emailed the ombudsman begging for her help to allow communication with my Mom; she was out of the office.
- I also emailed the activity director at Mom’s care facility about setting up a video chat or getting a photo of Mom. No reply.
- I emailed the county public health department and received a call back from Allissa. She was very helpful but stated she only makes daily consulting phone calls and does not physically go into nursing homes. She provided me with some resources and said my Mom’s home had six COVID-19 deaths as of May 22nd. Test kits are dropped off at the door for the staff to administer to residents. She confirmed the nursing home had several employment openings but they were filling the gaps with temporary and hospital workers. She told me the Department of Inspection and Appeals is the enforcing agency which checks on the welfare of nursing home residents.
- I called the nursing home staff and asked if we could set up a video chat with Mom. I was told, “Don’t know if we can do that. I’ll transfer you down to management.” The administrator told me rather defensively that due to HIPAA laws the POA would need to give written consent for me to speak to my Mom via video chat. I asked if we could discuss other solutions such as resending the cell phone I had given Mom months ago. The administrator got angry and said she didn’t know Mom had a cell phone in the past and again I would need to have written consent from the POA and her approval before it could be used. I was getting nowhere.
May 28th – I received an email from the nursing home saying they were waiting on the POA’s written consent. They would contact me as soon as they had it. Now, 38 positive test results so far with 30 recovered. No new deaths.
During this turmoil, I joined a private Facebook page called Voices for Seniors. It was started by two sisters whose mother died in a New York nursing home due to COVID-19 hospital patients being transferred to the nursing home where their mother resided. The members of Voices for Seniors were supportive and encouraged me to keep fighting even though some members of my family were apprehensive. Voices for Seniors did not want me to give up hope.
Carrying On – May 29th
- I called the city’s police department and requested a wellness check on Mom. The officer said, “We don’t go into nursing homes with Covid.” A sergeant called the center and he too was told HIPAA laws prevented me from speaking with my Mom. He asked how my Mom was doing and was told she was doing “very well.” I asked him if he spoke with my Mom and he said no. So, how is that a wellness check?
- Next, I emailed the ombudsman again pleading for her help.
- I called the elder rights division of the Heritage Area Agency on Aging and left a message.
- The ombudsman responded with possible reasons why I wasn’t getting to talk to my Mom.
- Heritage AAA called and left a message saying the ombudsman was the one who could handle my complaint.
- I texted Mom’s POA regarding the written consent. His wife responded saying they gave their consent today via email. She also sent me a photo she took today of my Mom during a window visit.
June 1st
- I reached out to the ombudsman again but this time I also emailed excerpts of the federal and state laws which stated Mom had a right to communicate with her family.
- I emailed the Executive of State Department of Public Health Department and the Board of Examiners for Nursing Home Administrators.
- They both emailed me back. The ombudsman said with my permission she would contact the nursing home and ask to speak with my Mom. She would ask her directly if she wanted to talk to me and my family members via video chat. Of course I gave my permission.
- The Public Health Executive recommended I file a complaint with the Department of Inspections and Appeals, Health Facilities Division and a complaint with the Board of Examiners for Nursing Home Administrators.
- I filed a complaint with the Department of Inspections and Appeals. I received a phone call and a letter regarding an investigation.
- Now, 39 positive test results so far with 29 recovered. No new deaths.
June 2nd
- I still haven’t heard anything from Mom’s nursing home.
- The ombudsman called the nursing home and spoke with Mom over the assistant director of nursing’s cell phone speaker. She reported Mom was coherent and just because she failed a competency test last year does not mean she is not competent on other days. She said Mom wanted to talk to me and other family members via video and had wondered why I hadn’t called her in a long time. The ombudsman tried to assure Mom that I had tried several times to contact her. The assistant director told the ombudsman that they had the written consent now but the ombudsman said that didn’t matter. She told them not everything had to go through the POA because my Mom can express her own wishes. She even said that if I wanted to resend the cell phone I could. I cried so hard and so long after reading her email. She listened to my pleas for help. Thank the Lord. I was glad I had not given up hope.
June 3rd – I emailed the nursing home asking to have a video chat with my Mom today. We set it up for 2:30 pm their time. I was so excited and happy all day until just before 2:30. At that time I received a call that Mom was still sleeping and to give her another hour or so. I said sure, I could do that. At 5:05 pm their time, I received a text saying Mom just woke up but the staff member had to leave so I could not chat today. She wanted to know if we could reschedule it for the next morning. I responded, “I’m heartbroken.”
June 4th – I woke from another restless night sad and angry. I could not talk to my Mom this morning with these emotions, so I met a friend for tea and consoling. Afterwards I felt a little stronger so I contacted the nursing home and scheduled a video chat for that afternoon. At 2:45 pm, after 85 days of hope to talk to my Mom, I was able to speak with her and to see her for the first time via video. It was almost surreal. I tried to stay positive and not become emotional, which wasn’t easy. We had a nice visit and hopefully by seeing and talking to me she was reassured that her family had not given up on her.
I was so afraid I would never get to talk to or visit with my Mom again. The assistant director of nursing said Mom was tested five times for Covid19 and each test came back negative. I wasn’t ready to give up hope.
June 13th – 39 positive tests so far amongst staff and residents with 33 recovered and six deaths overall.
I owe a huge thank you to the Facebook members of Voices for Seniors and to the ombudsman who came to my rescue. After 85 days of hope, I realized there are truly good people out there willing to help. You just have to have the courage to fight the good fight and not give up. With prayer and hope, small miracles like a video chat may happen.
Note: This post is just one example of the many stories out there regarding not having access to loved ones in nursing homes and other care facilities during the quarantine. Please help us fight for in person visits, not just window visits and video chats. Our family members need to know we care, they need to be outside and they need not be so isolated. Please pray and/or write to your congressmen/women and governors. My Mom and other residents thank you.
If you have questions, need advice, or just an ear to listen, please do not hesitate to contact me via email at LivingLifeRetired16@gmail.com.