Facebook Messenger on May 7th:
2:15 p.m. “Hi sherry. I think your mom is Irene?”
2:19 p.m. J/M tried to call me through Messenger.
4:08 p.m. “Your moms neighbor.”
5:53 p.m. “Please call me at ____________ it’s about your mom.”
6:18 p.m. I called J/M.
This is how Facebook helped find me after Mom’s fall. My Mom’s neighbors sent me the above alarming messages May 7th on Facebook’s Messenger. They tried several times to reach me to tell me my Mom had fallen in her home and an ambulance transported her to the local hospital. She had been down for approximately 16 hours before they found her, but she was not unconscious. My whole life changed after that 39 minute phone conversation at 6:18 p.m.
I called my daughter, a nurse, right away to tell her the heartbreaking news and then I texted my sister in Oregon. She would have the furthest to travel if she wanted to go to see Mom. Since it was getting late, I would contact my other five siblings in the morning once I found out more information. Worried about what happened and how hurt, inside and out, my Mom was, I had difficulty sleeping.
May 8th
The next morning I spoke on the phone with my Mom’s friend Joan at 10:29 a.m. Joan and her husband Scott have my Mom’s power of attorney and are the executors of her will. They are not family. Joan gave me more details as to Mom’s potentially fatal medical issues so I began making arrangements to fly to Iowa as soon as I hung up the phone. Joan told me a palliative meeting was scheduled for 2:00 p.m. I asked if could be on speaker phone for that meeting. She said I could as long as Mom agreed. Mom did agree so I was on that conference call along with Mom’s doctor, nurse, Joan/Scott and J/M for 40 minutes. My Mom had a blood infection, advanced breast cancer, an open wound below her cancerous breast, diabetes, arthritis in her right knee, swelling in her lower right leg, and she was dehydrated. She had refused medical care for years.
Mom agreed to antibiotics to treat the blood infection. After the conference call, I hung up and called the hospital chaplain and left a message to please visit Mom.
May 9th
I received a welcoming call from the hospital chaplain who reported that he visited with Mom this morning and her spirits were good, but she did not like being in the hospital. He also said he prayed with her. I finally had a small sense of relief. My Mom is a lifelong believer in Jesus and she had felt terrible about not being able to attend church since Christmas. I felt having the chaplain visit her would bring her some peace and it did.
May 12th
I arrived by plane in Iowa from Colorado around midnight early on Mother’s Day, May 12th. An old friend picked me up at the airport as the car rental desk was closed at that hour. I stayed at his family’s home as hotel rooms were over $200 a night due to local college graduations being held that same weekend. I am forever grateful for Steve and Vicki’s hospitality.
After a few hours of sleep, I woke up, showered, visited with my friends for a bit and then they drove me to Mom’s home nearby. I was borrowing Mom’s car during my visit with her approval. After securing the keys to the car and Mom’s home from her neighbors J/M, I set off for the hospital. I was nervous. How would my Mom look? Would she be happy to see me? Should I get her something for Mother’s Day besides just me visiting her?
I arrived on the third floor of the surgical hospital wing at about 12:15 p.m. Iowa time. Walking with a purpose and with my head up, I took a deep breath, opened the door to her private room and entered. Mom was watching television while laying in her hospital bed. I had never seen my Mom like this before. My breath kind of caught but then I wished her Happy Mother’s Day with a hug and a kiss and turned down the television.
After warm greetings, I nervously massaged Mom’s feet, calves and hands with the lotion I requested from the nurses. She said this massage would not have been possible the day before as no one could touch her right leg without it causing her a lot of pain. The antibiotics were beginning to help. I also asked the nurses for some lip balm as her lips were dry from the dehydration she suffered after her fall. She was a bit unsteady so I also helped her drink water from her cup periodically. I did not really know what to do to help her except to offer these small caring gestures.
Once I felt we were both relaxed, I asked Mom if she would like to see her old home movies she had given me on our last visit in October. She gave me quite a few reels of 8mm film which I sent to LegacyBox for processing last fall. Today I had the DVDs with me to show her on my laptop. She was surprised and delighted to see her old “first films” again.
Just as the one DVD ended, a nurse came to take her to imaging for a sonogram and possibly fluid extraction. A great Mother’s Day gift right? I was so excited to be a small part of her care team now and to accompany her to imaging. My Mom signed the consent form allowing the doctor to extract fluid from her inflamed lower right leg. The fluid contained pus. The two vials were sent to the lab to see what antibiotic would be needed to kill her inflammation.
Upon returning to her hospital room, Mom’s demeanor changed dramatically. I wrote in my notes I was keeping, “Her spirits sored knowing doctors were getting everything figured out.” She said if they could do that for her leg maybe they could do something for her breast. Wow! I was so excited for her. Mom wanted to get better and was willing to let the doctors take care of her. This was a good sign that Mom wanted to live.
As I left Mom at 5:00 p.m. to get checked in to my hotel room, I felt it had been a good Mother’s Day.
May 13th
On Monday, I met Nancy the hospital social worker, Dr. Erin Brown, my Mom’s occupational therapist Kari and her physical therapist Kim. Hospitalist Dr. Brown said she was asking a general surgeon to look at Mom’s leg today to determine if he should extract more fluid or maybe perform surgery to clean out the pocket of infection. Again, Mom and I were happy to hear of this possible treatment for her leg. Then the therapists came in and tried to help Mom stand for the first time since her fall. After three attempts with no luck, they once again made her comfortable in her bed. Later the nurses came in to bath her and change her bedding; all done with a great deal of care.
Within a couple of hours our optimism switched to doom. Mom’s friend Scott and power of attorney came by Mom’s room. He had requested a meeting with Dr. Bell to discuss Mom’s future plan. I was present for that meeting when Dr. Bell and Scott decided to cancel the surgeon’s visit today and prepare Mom for admittance into a nursing home. I was encouraged to begin visiting nursing homes right away. Mom seemed worried and confused. I knew I was. What just happened and why? Why didn’t I have a say? Was Mom’s house and car going to be sold soon? Should I begin to clean my Mom’s home and secure her family heirlooms? I had many questions but didn’t really feel I could ask them. I certainly wasn’t in charge. Was my Mom?
Then a discussion between Scott and Mom occurred regarding her failing her May 10th hospital competency test she was given by the hospital social worker. Scott told us he had ordered the test be given again. He wanted her to be more direct with her answers so she would not fail it again. He said he wanted her to make decisions for herself. I was shocked. I did not know she had a competency test. This new information made me a bit skeptical of everything that was occurring and why. I was pretty sure the day before the test he had reviewed Mom’s will with her too. Things just did not add up but I couldn’t let on or I might be banned from seeing or speaking with Mom. This situation was beginning to be a bit of a balancing act. It was certainly uncomfortable.
Next, they had a discussion about Mom’s funeral home arrangements. Mom still had her cemetary plots next to my Dad, even though they had divorced over 20 years ago. In addition, she still had a vault which was paid for, even though she wanted cremation and had for years. I was given the task of going to the funeral home and asking about her options. Finally, I was tasked with checking into the deeding of Mom’s body to science. I had a lot to do with just two more days to do it before returning to Colorado, so I spent the next couple of hours cleaning my Mom’s home. It was a good way to use my nervous energy in a positive way.
May 14th
First thing this morning I called the University of Iowa Anatomy Department to see if Mom had been accepted into the body deeded program. She had not. When I asked about minimum requirements I was told a woman 5’9″ would need to weigh 160 pounds or less to be initially accepted. My Mom did not qualify so I checked off that box.
Next, I drove to the funeral home and received the information Mom would need to make some final arrangement decisions. Then, I went to the hospital to see Mom and to relay the information I had received to her and Scott. I made a conference call to Lisa at the funeral home and Mom told Lisa her wishes over the phone. Lisa would come by the next day so Mom could sign the paperwork. Soon after that the hospital chaplain visited. It was a nice reprieve. I asked her if she could arrange a Lutheran communion for my Mom and I the next morning. She said she would and prayed with us before leaving to make the necessary arrangements. Then, I was off to visit two nursing homes on my list of four and spend more time cleaning Mom’s home.
While I was at her home I noticed that Mom’s answering machine had a couple of calls on it. A gentleman from Mom’s church had left two messages on her answering machine so I called him back. I asked him to please contact the church pastor and ask him to please visit my Mom in the hospital. He thanked me for returning his calls and said he would contact the pastor for me.
May 15th
On my last morning in Iowa with Mom, I checked out of my hotel room and headed out to visit two more nursing homes. After those quick visits I mailed a small box of Mom’s personal belongings including her high school yearbooks and her Bible to my Colorado home with her permission. I wasn’t sure when I would be back to gather the rest of the family heirlooms if and when my Mom passed, so I just boxed them up for storage. Then I drove to the hospital for my final visit.
Mom looked confused and worried when I entered her room. I gave her my nursing home recommendation from the four I visited and began to nervously fill out the admission paperwork. I had already talked with Scott on the phone about my first and second choices. Then Nancy the social worker came in to my Mom’s room. She wanted to fill out the paperwork for me but I told her I wanted to do it for my Mom, plus I wanted my contact information included. When I was finished, Nancy took the form to get the ball rolling on the transfer.
Shortly thereafter the chaplain came in with communion for us. I cried throughout the sacrament while clutching Mom’s hand. This meal meant so much to both of us. Now, I just had a couple of minutes to myself with Mom. We were interrupted again when her lunch was brought in. It looked and smelled good. I cut up her fish as she could not do it herself. I began to feed her as I had done during our other meal time visits.
With an airport shuttle to catch, my time with Mom had run out. I started to say goodbye when my Mom’s pastor from her church entered her hospital room. After introductions, I left, hurried back to Mom’s home to drop off her car in the driveway. I taped up some boxes in her house for storage until my return and then left when the shuttle driver appeared. With one final hug of appreciation and love for Mom’s neighbor, I was off to the airport and my home in Colorado.
I did everything I set out to do on this less than four day trip. I am thankful I was able to assist in finding a nursing home for Mom, with her final arrangements, in cleaning her home and boxing up family heirlooms, with notifying her church about her hospitalization, with eating her meals, and assist her with the sacrament of communion too. But mostly I am thankful for being able to be there to love her and to let her know I care; to honor her.
Mom was transferred on May 17th from the hospital after a ten-day stay to a long-term nursing care facility near her home. Thank God my Mom’s caring neighbors used social media because Facebook helped find me after Mom’s fall.
Note: Some names were changed in this post.