In the past two years I have been slowly trying to gain my Mother’s trust. She is 85-years-old, lives alone and is pretty independent, also known as stubborn. Our relationship has been very rocky over my nearly 60 years, even estranged at times. I have put these past transgressions on both of our parts behind me to try to help care for my Mom in her final years even though I live over 800 miles away.
I just finished reading an informative book by Dr. Dennis McCullough, My Mother, Your Mother – Embracing ‘Slow Medicine,’ The Compassionate Approach to Caring for Your Aging Loved Ones. These are some important takeaway quotes from the well-written book:
“Slow Medicine for elders in late life enacts the ancient Tibetan wisdom of ‘making haste slowly,’ that is, focusing on the central issues of human caring with patience and a sense of shared humanity, forgiving one another for what cannot be changed, bending flexibly at times of need, and holding firmly to shared values and loyalties at other times. Slow Medicine is a commitment to understand, to support, to heal, and to care for those weakest among us in a way we would want to be cared for ourselves.”
“Over my many years of medical practice, I have identified five fundamental principles that should guide families, health professionals, caregivers, and other caring people in their efforts to enrich and support an elder’s life to the end.
- We must endeavor to understand our parents and other elders deeply, in all their personal complexity, acknowledging both the losses and the newly revealed strengths that come with aging.
- We must accept the need for interdependence, while at the same time promoting mutual trust.
- We must learn to communicate well and with patience.
- We need to make a covenant for steadfast advocacy.
- We must maintain an attitude of kindness no matter what.
The most important consideration underlying all my assumptions about what constitutes good late-life care is the need for kindness. Although some families and caregivers may actually rise to extended enactments of love (or simply loyalty, decency, respect, and gratitude), kindness is the single most reliable ethical and practical guide to doing this work well.”
In the book’s Epilogue Dr. MCCullough continues, “Slow Medicine is just this caring process of slowing down, being patient, coordinating care, and remaining faithful to the end. Families necessarily bear the greatest responsibility in surmounting difficulties to create this bond of trust and security for their loved ones. Over and over, families must identify and ask for what they and their parents need, seeking links to caring professionals who also want to do the right thing, but are often constrained by organizational, institutional, and cultural health care practices that are not fully serving our elders and us…yet.”
I believe in this practical Slow Medicine approach and I highly recommend My Mother, Your Mother. I have been applying this approach to my Mom’s care, as well as with family communication difficulties. “We must maintain an attitude of kindness no matter what.”
Note: I picked up this book at my local library.