Growing up in an Iowa farm house with a family of nine made Christmas an event. My ghost of Christmas past would first show me events full of fun with lots of family and friends while celebrating the birth of Jesus. But my ghost would also show me many Christmases with an undertone of depression which I wrestle with to a lesser degree today.
Weeks before Christmas when I was quite young, my siblings and I would go to Christmas practice at church. I loved being at church as I had many friends there. We sang and played different roles while reenacting the Christmas story about Jesus’ birth. The actual performance following these practices was usually on Christmas Eve.
I remember receiving a new dress to wear for the special Christmas Eve church service. This dress was very special as it was one of the only new pieces of clothing I had all year. This gift of a new dress added to my Christmas Eve anticipation.
After the singing and telling of the Christmas story in a packed church, the children received a large candy bar from the church elders. This candy bar was such a treat because I didn’t have to share it with any of my siblings.
Every year while we were at church, Santa came to our house and left his gifts for us. With seven kids in my family that was a lot of gifts under the tree Dad sometimes cut from our timber. It was a night of anticipation, delight, a church full of people, lots of family and friends to celebrate with, some fighting, and treats. My memories of these Christmases were heartwarming and ones I cherish to this day.
So when did the Ghost of Christmas Past see depression in my Christmases? It happened after I was married and moved away from my community of family, friends and a church I had known most of my life.
In 1983, I spent my first Christmas away from Iowa. We were living in Texas. I decorated my home, cooked, baked, and bought gifts. We attended church on Christmas Eve and opened presents, but it just wasn’t the same. Where were my family members? Where were my friends? Where was the noise and so much gift wrap you couldn’t see the floor?
I was homesick, depressed and wanted to be with my family back in Iowa. My husband use to tell me to get over it, but I just couldn’t. Family members don’t always know how to help.
The unpredictable winter weather and my husband’s job kept us away from family. He had to be in the office at the end of the year to process sales for year end bonuses. One year, we visited a couple of weeks before Christmas. It was a couple of months after I gave birth to our only child. We took her home to Iowa to meet relatives and to have her baptized in the rural church I grew up in.
Ghost of Christmas Present
What does the Ghost of Christmas present say? It says my depression is still felt but is much less. Yesterday afternoon I had one of the best Christmases in a long time. It was Christmas Eve, eve. My daughter and three grandchildren came to my home. We sang, played a game, cooked together, ate together, built a fire in the fireplace together, opened gifts, laughed together, and even read the Christmas story out of the Bible together. My granddaughter even made her first cheesecake for the occasion. One of the best memories was my youngest (5 years old) grandson’s prayer at dinner. It was from his heart and we echoed his words. It was an evening full of love and making great memories together.
Ghost of Christmas Future
I believe the Ghost of Christmas future says my depression will continue to subside. As my grandchildren get older and they have families, hopefully they will still spend some time with their old “Nannie.” We can fill my home with lots of noise and gift wrap as well as love. We can talk about the wonderful Christmas time memories and new traditions we made together.
Today, I will attend the in-person Christmas Eve service at my church’s “sister church” in Greeley. While I will be alone in church, my heart will be full of my family’s love, a true gift from God.
I pray your heart is full of love and joy this holiday season!
If you are dealing with depression or know someone who may need help, please call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration national hotline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). “SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.”
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. “The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.”